Polarity affects why we often are drawn to people different from us or to extremes of giving and receiving like erotic bondage or spanking. At the same time, most gay men are drawn to masculine presenting men. This takes energy even for a skilled top with a regular partner. Contemporary imagery is much more explicit. Whether we call it bottoming, submission or something else, at the core most guys like someone else to take the lead. Whether your partner massages you, spanks you, penetrates or ties you, you get touched a lot more than he does. Sometimes sex is simulated but much less often than in the past. Being vulnerable, receptive and at the same time safe, is appealing for many reasons. Some have told me their experience has been the numbers or more like 10 or even 20 to one.
Living as part of a small minority in an environment where almost everyone thought badly of people like you can make it difficult to maintain a positive self-esteem. For example, he may think he wants to experience more, or may even ask for more intensity than he might actually be able to tolerate. After all, a big draw of sex — whether conservative or aggressively playful — is body enjoyment. What do I need to change? At the same time, most gay men are drawn to masculine presenting men. There is much less of a barrier between the viewer and amateur producer. How much am I enjoying it? Cultural softening of masculinity Traditionally, masculinity was more closely linked to sexual orientation being heterosexual than femininity was. Thus one reason most gay men prefer being sexually submissive is that we see more permission in the culture for men to express their emotions and ways of being that are not traditional and hyper-masculine. Psychologically it could be a savior too. The story has been told many times of men who are successful lawyers or CEOs who want to lose control in the bedroom, or of those without much power at work who want to be in charge in the bedroom. All of this then may be an underlying factor affecting why many guys to prefer to bottom or be submissive, and are reluctant to be versatile. Increasing acceptance of alternate sexual expression and LGBT identities An unexpected reason most gay men prefer being sexually submissive is that over recent years, there has been growing acceptance of sexual differences, including of gay men. Exploring, being the follower, the receptive partner, the submissive is more accessible and desirable. This is noteworthy since being receptive and vulnerable flies against traditional notions of masculinity. Sex is often the only time many men get to receive the type of touch that ideally we could also receive in social settings. These days a man who is artistic, a great cook or in the theater or a dancer is less likely to be assumed to be gay than in the past. It was much more common to show scantily clad models than it was to show real, live action sex. Whether we call it bottoming, submission or something else, at the core most guys like someone else to take the lead. Generally, the dominant or top only gets touched on his hands and genitals. As the saying goes, opposites attract. If your partner is not clear about what he wants, you need to deal with the fact that often what we think we want sexually and are turned on thinking about is not the precise thing that would be the most satisfying for him or you. Many others sought to accentuate their masculine qualities, to be hyper-masculine. In past times, simply being gay meant you were not safe in many ways. The previously widespread experience for men of being in the military common due to the draft also encouraged all men towards hyper-masculinity.
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